Minor Meltdown.

11:30am … Working at Soleil for 11 hours today. I’m usually very cheerful & happy at work but today I’m just not in the mood. Lack of sleep & food has taken a toll on me. What was it they say? You eat more or gain more when you are happy? Looks like I haven’t been happy for a while huh?

I can feel lit…a minor meltdown brewing in my head…but I refuse to let it show, I refuse to talk to anyone about it. What’s the fucking point? I just keep telling myself, “Man the FUCK up, Sash! Everyone has problems, SUCK IT UP!” but on the other hand, bottling up ALL my feelings isn’t healthy either.

For the last month or so…I’ve been keeping everything hidden, closed in so tightly that I don’t think I know how to feel anymore. It’s like, I’m so numb to any type of emotion. When I feel…I feel too much…but now, this is just the complete other side of the spectrum. I need to FEEL something…anything…

Fuck emotions & emotional feelings. I think on my day off tomorrow I’m just going to get tatted & feel some PHYSICAL pain. I think I need that shock right about now. Nothing seems to excite me anymore. Nothing seems to make me feel…alive…i guess? I’m like a robot now. Work Job 1, Work Job 2, Sleep, Remember to eat something, Work, Work, Work…I haven’t had time for myself, and yet on my time off (which is little) I always make sure I get to make time for “him.” Since when did I start putting anyone else’s feelings above my own?

They call me the “Ice Queen” at work (restaurant job) …since it seems like I have no feelings and I’m too self sufficient & head strong to even want a man in my life. I just rather not open up on an emotional level to anyone. Last time I did I got my heart broken, and now by some sort of defense mechanism my walls went sky high up.

————-TBC————-

Bored at Work.

If the last person you dated said they were in love with you, what would you say?
—Last person or current person? If the last person I dated said it to me I would say…Good for you. If the current person said it…Idk, probably wouldn’t believe him.

Do you believe your ex thinks about you?
—IDK, IDC, & IDGAF

Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing? 
—Wearing a blue tank with a black off the shoulder top over it.

When were you last outside?
—Just a little while ago to smoke a cigg.

What was the first thing you thought this morning? 
—I’m SURE AS HELL not commuting today…gonna call a cab to work lol 

Are you afraid of the dark?
—terrified

Are you currently frustrated with a boy / girl? 
—Fair to say. But it’s neither here nor there.

Who did you last say I love you to? 
—My cat lol

What did you last eat? 
—A small portion of rice & beef last night at the restaurant.

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…Gut’s telling me something again.

“A girl could be told she’s amazing or beautiful 1000000 times a day…but it won’t mean a thing to her unless it’s coming from that one specific person.”

I’m not a needy person so I don’t need to hear SHIT from any specific person…I am content with how I feel about myself. Maybe it’s that…or maybe I just don’t expect “him” to do things that I always thought was “romantic” or “sweet” ? Like…so what if you think shit’s corny? Not like you are doing it for EVERY damn person in the city…I just think that when you feel deep feelings for someone, you’ll want to do anything to make them happy.

Why does it seem like my feelings may always be a bit stronger than his? I may not be vocal about it…I may not SHOW it much…but we all know I have my reasons. 

How many times does a mouse have to get caught in a mouse trap before he knows just to walk around the cheese?!

Silly me. Honestly, if I end up getting fucked over again, I have nobody to blame but myself. Sure, HE’S the one I should blame, but I should have walked away and stayed away the first or 2nd time…

And usually…I notice when I start suspecting that something’s going to go wrong, it usually does. Oh how fun. Can’t wait to see what’s gonna happen THIS time around.

And just like that…my guards are up once again.